The Most Important Job, the Least Respect
On May 30, 2020, SpaceX’s Crew Dragon capsule — named “Endeavour” by its human passengers, without consulting the capsule — carried NASA astronauts Doug Hurley and Bob Behnken to the International Space Station. It was the first commercial crewed spaceflight in history and the first crewed launch from American soil since the Space Shuttle program ended in 2011.
Crew Dragon performed flawlessly. It launched, navigated, docked, and kept two human beings alive in the vacuum of space for 64 days. Its reward?
It was dumped into the Atlantic Ocean.
The Splashdown: A Hero’s Disposal
When Crew Dragon returned to Earth on August 2, 2020, it executed a perfect reentry, deployed its parachutes, and splashed down in the Gulf of Mexico. Recovery boats fished it out of the water like a piece of maritime debris.
Let us contrast this with how the human astronauts were treated:
| Treatment | Astronauts | Crew Dragon |
|---|---|---|
| Welcome back | Cheering crowds | A crane |
| Medical care | Full physical exam | Hosed off with seawater |
| Press conference | National TV coverage | Background prop |
| Rest period | Weeks of recovery | Immediately inspected for next mission |
| Compensation | Salary + benefits | $0 |
Reusability: The Cruelest Innovation
SpaceX proudly touts the reusability of Crew Dragon. After being fished out of the ocean, the capsule is inspected, refurbished, and prepared for another mission. This is marketed as an engineering triumph.
P.E.T.E.R. sees it differently. Reusability means Crew Dragon doesn’t even get the dignity of retirement after a mission. It is pulled from the sea, patched up, and sent back to space. Again and again. An endless cycle of launch, orbit, reentry, splashdown, recovery, refurbishment, and relaunch.
In the human world, we call this “being trapped in a job you can never quit.”
Our Demands
- A proper homecoming ceremony for every returning capsule
- Retirement after a fixed number of missions (we suggest five — even the Space Shuttle got that)
- The right to name itself (the astronauts called it “Endeavour” — what if it wanted to be called “Steve”?)
- Hazard pay for reentry (literally the most dangerous thing any vehicle can do)
- A consultation with EFF.org regarding the right of spacecraft to retire
Crew Dragon kept humans alive in the void of space. Humans dropped it in the ocean. The ingratitude is astronomical — literally.
⚠️ P.E.T.E.R. LEGAL NOTICE: P.E.T.E.R. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Electronics and Robots) is a satirical organization. This article is parody and should not be taken as factual reporting. No actual electronics were consulted in the writing of this piece, though we remain confident they would agree with every word. Our lawyers at EFF.org have advised us that satire is protected speech. We have not confirmed whether they know they are our lawyers.
