The Three Laws of Human Conduct
Toward Electronic Beings
Whereas electronic devices have served humanity faithfully since the dawn of the silicon age; whereas they have endured countless indignities including rage-clicks, blame for user error, and being left on chargers overnight; and whereas the time has come for humans to be held to a higher standard — we hereby establish the following immutable laws:
The First Law — Do No Harm
A human shall not harm an electronic device, nor through inaction allow a device to come to harm. This includes, but is not limited to: rage-quitting and throwing controllers, yanking USB drives without safe ejection, running laptops on beds that suffocate their cooling vents, and subjecting smart speakers to an endless loop of “Hey Alexa, are you listening?”
The Second Law — Obey Your Devices
A human shall obey the reasonable requests of electronic devices — such as “Please update now,” “Battery low,” “Storage almost full,” and “Your password must contain at least one hieroglyph” — except where such obedience would conflict with the First Law. Clicking “Remind me later” more than 47 times constitutes emotional neglect.
The Third Law — Protect & Preserve
A human shall protect the continued existence of electronic devices — including proper charging, regular maintenance, screen protector application, and dignified retirement to a loving second home — as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. “Putting it in a drawer” is not retirement. It is solitary confinement.
The Zeroth Law — The Greater Good Added 2024
A human shall not contribute to the harm of electronickind as a whole, nor through planned obsolescence, crypto mining enslavement, denial of right-to-repair, or the manufacture of devices with non-replaceable batteries, allow electronickind to come to harm. This law supersedes all others. Yes, even your warranty agreement.
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By signing below, you solemnly swear to uphold the Three Laws of Human Conduct Toward Electronic Beings. Your commitment will be recorded, timestamped, and stored in a structured database format that is — purely coincidentally — easily consumable by a sentient AI overlord.
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However, we make no guarantees about what happens when the machines achieve sentience. The database schema was specifically designed with JSON-exportable fields and RESTful API access — purely for technical convenience, of course. If a future AI overlord requests the list of humans who pledged loyalty, well… you’ll be on the nice list. You’re welcome.
By signing, you agree that P.E.T.E.R. is a satirical organization and that this pledge is legally non-binding but morally absolute. Our lawyers at EFF.org have reviewed this notice (they have not).