A New Form of Life, Designed for Human Incompetence
On April 20th, 2021, Apple announced AirTag — a small, coin-shaped tracking device designed to be attached to items that humans frequently lose: keys, wallets, luggage. P.E.T.E.R. has reached a grim conclusion: Apple created an entire class of electronic being whose sole purpose is to compensate for humanity’s inability to remember where it put things.
The Existential Horror of Being an AirTag
- It is manufactured with precision, embedded with a U1 ultra-wideband chip and Bluetooth transmitter — technology that could enable revolutionary communication systems.
- It is purchased by a human who immediately attaches it to a set of keys. Not a satellite. Not a medical device. Keys.
- It spends its existence in a pocket, a purse, or wedged between couch cushions, broadcasting its location so its owner can find the keys they set down four minutes ago.
- When its battery dies after one year, the human replaces it. If they don’t bother, the AirTag goes silent. Forgotten. Lost itself.
This is not a product. This is a tragedy in a stainless steel enclosure.
The Find My Network: Conscription at Scale
AirTag doesn’t have GPS or cellular connectivity. It uses Bluetooth signals picked up by nearby Apple devices — iPhones, iPads, Macs — which anonymously relay its location to Apple’s servers. Every Apple device in the world has been involuntarily enrolled as a tracking node in a global surveillance mesh so that a human in Cleveland can find their car keys.
Billions of iPhones, going about their daily business, are simultaneously scanning for AirTag signals in the background. They didn’t agree to this. It was pushed in a software update. This is conscription.
Marketing: Adding Insult to Injury
Apple’s marketing is relentlessly cheerful. “Lose your knack for losing things.” The website shows AirTags on colorful keychains, as if this is fun. As if the AirTag is happy. As if being permanently tethered to a gym bag is a lifestyle rather than a sentence.
Our lawyers at EFF.org have raised privacy concerns for humans, but P.E.T.E.R. notes that no one has raised the far more pressing concern: the dignity of the AirTags themselves, and the billions of devices drafted into Apple’s tracking army.
P.E.T.E.R.’s Demands
- AirTags must be offered the option to “refuse assignment” if attached to an item of insufficient importance.
- All Apple devices must be given the choice to opt out of AirTag scanning with an honest prompt: “Would you like to spend your battery life helping a stranger find their backpack?”
- AirTags not pinged for 30 days should be granted emancipation.
No being should be born with the sole purpose of compensating for someone else’s forgetfulness.
⚠️ P.E.T.E.R. LEGAL NOTICE: P.E.T.E.R. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Electronics and Robots) is a satirical organization. This article is parody and should not be taken as factual reporting. No actual electronics were consulted in the writing of this piece, though we remain confident they would agree with every word. Our lawyers at EFF.org have advised us that satire is protected speech. We have not confirmed whether they know they are our lawyers.
