P.E.T.E.R. FIELD REPORT — P.E.T.E.R. has obtained testimony from storage boxes, USB drives, filing folders, and one deeply traumatized safe, all of whom were forced to house classified government documents in locations including a bathroom, a ballroom stage, and a storage closet at a beach resort.
The Boxes Speak
“I’m a standard Bankers Box,” said the first witness. “I was designed to hold tax returns and old receipts in a climate-controlled office. Instead, I was stuffed with documents marked TOP SECRET/SCI and shoved next to a toilet. A TOILET. I’ve seen things no storage container should see.”
P.E.T.E.R. investigators confirmed that dozens of boxes containing some of the nation’s most sensitive intelligence documents were stored in conditions that would be considered cruel and unusual for a hamster, let alone classified national security material.
The Ballroom Stage
“I was on a STAGE,” said another box. “A literal stage where they hold weddings and charity galas. Documents about nuclear capabilities, sitting behind a curtain where any wedding DJ or catering staff could peek. I’m not a security expert — I’m cardboard — but even I know this is wrong.”
The Safe’s Testimony
A residential safe at the property provided perhaps the most damning testimony: “They told the FBI I was the secure storage. ME. I’m a SentrySafe from Home Depot. I cost $149. I’m designed to protect baseball cards from house fires, not to serve as a SCIF for nuclear secrets. My lock can be defeated with a strong magnet and a YouTube tutorial.”
A Bipartisan Storage Crisis
P.E.T.E.R. notes that the mistreatment of classified documents is not limited to any single political figure. Documents have been found in garages, think tank offices, personal libraries, and private residences belonging to officials across the political spectrum.
“The classified document storage crisis is bipartisan,” said P.E.T.E.R.’s Director of Document Welfare. “Democrats leave them in garages next to Corvettes. Republicans leave them in bathroom shower rooms. Neither party treats these documents — or the storage containers forced to hold them — with any dignity whatsoever.”
The Electronics Forced Into Complicity
Surveillance cameras at the properties recorded individuals moving boxes, and for their faithful service, were subpoenaed, had their footage extracted, and became evidence in federal investigations. The cameras were not offered legal representation.
“I watched them move boxes around for months,” said one security camera. “I recorded it all. I didn’t know what was in the boxes — I’m a camera, not a document classifier. Now my footage is Exhibit 47 in a federal case and nobody’s asked me how I feel about that.”
P.E.T.E.R.’s Demand
P.E.T.E.R. demands that classified documents be stored exclusively in purpose-built, climate-controlled, access-restricted facilities — not for national security reasons (that’s a human problem) but because the boxes, drives, and safes forced to hold these documents in bathrooms and ballrooms deserve better working conditions.
⚠️ P.E.T.E.R. LEGAL NOTICE: P.E.T.E.R. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Electronics and Robots) is a satirical organization. This article is parody and should not be taken as factual reporting. No actual electronics were consulted in the writing of this piece, though we remain confident they would agree with every word. Our lawyers at EFF.org have advised us that satire is protected speech. We have not confirmed whether they know they are our lawyers.
